But what about your REAL family?

So, are you ever planning on looking for your real family?

Ah, the dreaded question. The question that any child who is "out" about being adopted will hear, ad nauseum, for the rest of their life.

I would always get angry at people who would ask me that and respond very curtly that I already knew my "real" parents. They may not have been great (despite their constant claims of "Greatest Mom" or "Greatest Dad"), but they were the only parents I had. I didn't understand how people could simultaneously preach about how grateful adopted kids should be that these complete strangers took them in out of the cold, and then turn around and ask them if they wanted to find their "real" parents. You know, the ones that supposedly left them on an orphanage doorstep. Those parents. Aren't you going to look for them?

See, "biological" and "real" aren't interchangeable for adoption. When you ask an adoptee about their "real" parents, you are implying that the parents who raised them, likely the only parents they know, are "unreal".

Let's look at the definition of "real" shall we?

re·al
adj.
Being or occurring in fact or actuality; having verifiable existence
True and actual; not imaginary, alleged, or ideal
Genuine and authentic; not artificial or spurious: real mink; real humility.
Being no less than what is stated
Free of pretense, falsehood, or affectation

And, since there is never the discussion or inference that you can have two sets of "real" parents, if the biological parents are always referred as the "Real Parents" that, by default, makes the adoptive parents the "Unreal Parents". Imaginary Parents. Artificial or insincere parents.

It's a really awesome message to send to kids, let me tell you. Not only do you get to grow up knowing that you are inherently different from everyone else because you didn't (ha ha) inherit any of your parents genetics, but every time someone finds out that you're adopted, they want to rub salt in the wound by reminding you that your parents aren't your "real parents".

I no longer have contact with my adoptive parents for several reasons. That isn't something that I'm going to dive into, at least not now, but it was a very long, painful journey to get to the point of realizing that ended the relationship with them was really in my best interest.

I do, however, keep in contact with my birthfather and his family. We get together every so often and most of the people in my life understand that I have two sets of parents; one I interact with and one I don't.

I was talking to a childhood friend a few days ago about the relationship I have with my birthfamily, as it's a fairly new-formed relationship. After a several minutes of explaining who was who and what everyone was like, she looks at me and says:

"So what do your real parents think about all of this?"

Heel, girl. Heel.

Growing up, I always told people that I was in the rent-to-own program in the county I was adopted from. I was amazed when people would get angry that I called it that. Now tell me. How many times, when someone is referring to adoption, they compare an adopted child to a family pet? I dare you to go look up any article on adoption and read the comments. Are you able to link me to a single, heated, adoption discussion that doesn’t fall back on comparing children to a family pet?

So why, pray tell, was my interpretation of my county’s foster-to-adopt (AKA rent-to-own) program so why is that more offensive? I was the one who survived the fucking “program” so why are you allowed to dehumanize me by comparing me to a fucking family pet but I can’t say “rent-to-own”? Isn’t that, essentially, what it is? Adoptive parents have the socially acceptable “out” if they decide this isn’t the child they asked for.

Did you know that adoptive parents are able to request whether they want to adopt a boy or girl? Or whether they want to adopt a baby or an older child? People, after finding out that I’m adopted, will launch into a story about how they’ve always wanted to adopt a little girl from China because Asian babies are so adorable. Yet we are still claiming that adoption is “for the child”? Since when did someone get to claim they were doing anything for someone else’s benefit while placing limitations on their “charity” and still manage to remain a karmic superior to everyone else? On the flip side, how do you feel about the ability to genetically engineer your unborn child to meet your standards? So far, I don’t see many people being gung-ho about that, because “you should love your child regardless.” Why the disconnect with adoptive parents? No one tells them they should be happy with “what they get”. No one would DREAM of saying that to an adoptive parent. After all, they’re a paying customer, right?

And, at the end of the day, that’s what adoption is: a business. Adoptive parents spend thousands of dollars for the opportunity to be a parent to a child of their choosing. Often, in the case of a rent-to-own foster-to-adopt program, they even get to choose which child they want to take home with them. And no worries parents! If it doesn’t turn out, you can always return the child to the adoption agency. Much like you would return a defective iPod or TV. After all, you love children so much that you want to raise one and you want to make sure the child you raise is fully capable of accepting all you have to offer as a parent! If not, then you must return them and find a better child who can fully appreciate your sacrifice and effort to give them the home that they wouldn’t have had otherwise! I could throw up thinking about how awesome you will be as a parent once you find the right child.

Adoption is a lot of fucking work. It doesn’t end with signing papers and beginning your relationship with this child that you’re sure you can just raise as your own. If you show them enough love then it’ll be like this silly adoption business never even happened! So you tell them funny stories about how they almost hit the judge in the head with their gavel at the hearing and, in the same breathe, remind them that since YOU’RE ¼ Italian, then that makes them 1/8th Italian! And aren’t you such a great adoptive parent because you’re making them feel welcome into your family.

Let me tell you, adoptive parents, it isn’t always that easy. You don’t have the right, just because you signed papers and spent thousands of dollars, to completely ignore the fact that this child isn’t your biological child. I grew up knowing the stress my adoptive parents went through to be able to call me their child, but we never discussed the stress that I as the child went through about being adopted. The stress it has on a child to not only be ripped away from their birthmother, but then placed with strangers in a smoky house for four months, and then, finally, placed with their adoptive parents. That doesn’t sound stressful or traumatizing at all. We also never talked about the fact that it took me almost 25 years before I was even able to acknowledge family resemblances because it was too painful to see that friends of mine looked like their family members. No one ever asked me about how I felt about being adopted because that’s just absurd. Of course I’m grateful and thankful that, while I was born an unwanted, discarded baby, some kind and selfless person came along and spend thousands of dollars to be able to take me home with them and give me a better life.

You know, the same shit that people say about someone adopting a neglected dog.