But what about your REAL family?

So, are you ever planning on looking for your real family?

Ah, the dreaded question. The question that any child who is "out" about being adopted will hear, ad nauseum, for the rest of their life.

I would always get angry at people who would ask me that and respond very curtly that I already knew my "real" parents. They may not have been great (despite their constant claims of "Greatest Mom" or "Greatest Dad"), but they were the only parents I had. I didn't understand how people could simultaneously preach about how grateful adopted kids should be that these complete strangers took them in out of the cold, and then turn around and ask them if they wanted to find their "real" parents. You know, the ones that supposedly left them on an orphanage doorstep. Those parents. Aren't you going to look for them?

See, "biological" and "real" aren't interchangeable for adoption. When you ask an adoptee about their "real" parents, you are implying that the parents who raised them, likely the only parents they know, are "unreal".

Let's look at the definition of "real" shall we?

re·al
adj.
Being or occurring in fact or actuality; having verifiable existence
True and actual; not imaginary, alleged, or ideal
Genuine and authentic; not artificial or spurious: real mink; real humility.
Being no less than what is stated
Free of pretense, falsehood, or affectation

And, since there is never the discussion or inference that you can have two sets of "real" parents, if the biological parents are always referred as the "Real Parents" that, by default, makes the adoptive parents the "Unreal Parents". Imaginary Parents. Artificial or insincere parents.

It's a really awesome message to send to kids, let me tell you. Not only do you get to grow up knowing that you are inherently different from everyone else because you didn't (ha ha) inherit any of your parents genetics, but every time someone finds out that you're adopted, they want to rub salt in the wound by reminding you that your parents aren't your "real parents".

I no longer have contact with my adoptive parents for several reasons. That isn't something that I'm going to dive into, at least not now, but it was a very long, painful journey to get to the point of realizing that ended the relationship with them was really in my best interest.

I do, however, keep in contact with my birthfather and his family. We get together every so often and most of the people in my life understand that I have two sets of parents; one I interact with and one I don't.

I was talking to a childhood friend a few days ago about the relationship I have with my birthfamily, as it's a fairly new-formed relationship. After a several minutes of explaining who was who and what everyone was like, she looks at me and says:

"So what do your real parents think about all of this?"