Recently, I was talking with a friend of mine about adoptive parent privilege. Take a look at the books and information out there and you'll find most of them are aimed at helping the adoptive parent cope with relatives, friends, etc. Very little emphasis is put on how the adopted CHILD will feel as they're growing up.
Isn't it kind of backwards to put more energy into emotional support for your other relatives than you'd put towards the child you're adopting? But it happens, a lot. Adoptive parents, normally, have the privilege of never knowing what it's like to have a missing birth mother. True, every adopted child is different and I've known several that feel no emptiness or mourning in their lives for their birthfamilies. I don't think that's unhealthy any more than I think mourning and grieving for them is unhealthy.
However, take a look at the comments from "Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents knew". There are a few comments from grown-up adoptees expressing disdain for the book, but there are many more comments from adoptive PARENTS clutching their pearls and shrieking about how damaged the author must be and how you should never talk to your children about the grief they may feel; after all, if you and your family just love them then what the hell do they have to grieve for?
Just another day in the world of Adoptive Parent Privilege Land.
Why? Because those adoptive parents don't want to know that there's nothing they can do, no amount of love they can give, that will cover-up the pain and mourning that their child might feel for his/her birth parents. I'll let you in on a little secret: If your adopted children expresses grief or mourning, "loving them more" doesn't then negate their right to still feel that way. Why? Because it isn't about you!! It is about the child. Period. I've known many adopted children who had wonderful adoptive parents who loved them and treated them with respect, and yet STILL those children had unresolved grief and abandonment issues that affected many of their relationships. That's sometimes just what happened with adopted children. I've heard of the analogy of comparing adoptees to amputees; some people (namely adoptive parents) get really pissy about that comparison. Well, for some kids it might feel that way. Maybe they were adopted through international means, in which they will never have the chance to find their birthfamilies. That can leave a kid with a pretty big hole in their identity. Aside from wanting to meet his/her birthparents, he/she will also never have a medical history and therefore not know what to look out for in the future, or with any children he/she may have. That alone can feel very scary, especially with all of the genetic conditions out there that aren't tested for unless you have family history of that specific condition. Family medical history is a luxury that some adopted children will never have.
I have so many more thoughts on adoptive parent privilege but am running out of time before I have to leave. Stay tuned, though, I have many more examples of privilege out there that ANYONE who is thinking about adopting should be cognizant of and avoid doing.
YES. This. Gah.
ReplyDeleteI've seen my significant other's parents do this to him so many times. They've only talked to him about his adoption once and that was that. And he wasn't allowed to tell people that he was adopted, either. Even I'm not supposed to know and we've been together for nearly six years.
ReplyDeleteHis parents think they were the OMG BEST PARENTS EVAR too. Just. Gah.
I was kind of befuddled while reading some of the problems people who were commenting had with the book. At least from the description of the book, it is kind of a "Duh!" to me. One of the comments said something like "don't ever suggest to a child that s/he has unresolved grief issues" and I hope the book doesn't suggest doing so UNLESS there are clearly some struggles the child is experiencing and is not articulating them. My little sis (I think you know this) is adopted. She's always known since a) she was not an infant; and b) we're white and she's Korean. My parents pretty much handled it the way that it appears the book is suggesting to do. I can't imagine doing it any other way.
ReplyDelete@nightchild01: Thanks so much for reading and for your comment! Unfortunately, all too many adoptees go through situations like your SO, where the adoption is a "secret" and shouldn't be shared with anyone. I'd love to hear your SO's thoughts (agreeing or not) to this post. I want to give adoptees a voice.
ReplyDelete@innana88: You make a good point about how the book shouldn't make generalized assumptions that ALL adoptees will have unresolved issues, because that just isn't true. I wonder: You mention your sister adopted... have you ever asked her about her thoughts on being adopted? I assume she was adopted through an international adoption, which would mean she has no access to biological family medical records. I can imagine that feeling scary.
ReplyDeleteMaybe not and, of course, I'm not really asking for an answer to any of these questions. Just putting them out there. Thanks for reading! :)